This is a weird one. I was going back through my archives and dug out this weird gem from about 5ish years ago. I won't even begin to get into the insane occult drama regarding the group this involved--my magick mentor was in it, the dark magician who had tried to kill me in the astral plane years prior before we ever met and later killed my mentor was in it in disguise, my now-ex was in it, some witches I have no beef with but don't really talk to were, and a powerful witch who dated both my mentor and later his killer and now works for an alphabet agency was in it. That's leaving out some serious soap opera twists too. If that sounds like too much to believe, ask yourself how the fuck I feel as the one who lived it all. I typically try to stray away from leaning much into this period for content because I still get emotional about my mentor and the surrounding situation, but sometimes something extraordinary enough from then crops up that I have to feature it here in some context.
This transcript is one such extraordinary something. We decided, under the careful supervision of the powerful witch my mentor was dating, to do some spells and rituals and then attempt a Ouija board session with actual spirits. I had never read much into Ouija boards, not due to doubting spirits but due to a basic confusion about how they were supposedly an effective communication method, but I was on board to try. I'm glad now I did--I'm convinced there wasn't a "trick" to it, it actually fucking works. It was enough of a show that the skeptic of the group, who had up to that point denied the existence of everything supernatural/paranormal, visibly broke at the end panicking. I should also preface this by saying I do not recommend running out and doing this yourself. Everyone involved in the actual ritual were some level of trained magician/witch/etcetera and a very trained witch oversaw the proceedings and did several elaborate protection and binding rituals with various artifacts. Just because it works doesn't mean it's always going to go well. Thankfully, for us, it did. Also, I'm quite certain the spirit's name was "Vera" and not "Vira Verave" -- I think it was spamming "VERA" phonetically, since it seemed to use letters as such throughout, and that we misunderstood at the time, so that's why the title of this page is Vera instead but--whatever. Without further ado:
Transcript of Ouija Board Session
Sun, April 22nd, 2018 ~3AM
Leader (the one asking questions/saying board movements out loud after they’ve happened: C (for CYBEROCCULTISM–the webmaster)
Recorder (documenting on paper with notes as session progresses): V
Other planchette holders: J, B, K
Skeptic in a Chair Behind Scene: A
[Around 3 AM now as this particular session begins. The group (C, V, J, K, B, with A watching skeptically as a non-believer from a ways away), alternating roles, has done several sessions on the Ouija board. C’s mentor, very alive at the time, is passed out asleep on the couch drunk.
The first Ouija session, with K leading and C sitting out to record, was with a spirit named “DAAN” who said he was Belgian and died in 1826 in a war, after his wife died of sickness, and left three daughters behind. Next, with C leading, we got BEN, a supposedly human spirit who liked the word “HELLO” and then told us to “GO,” so we let him go. After that one, V was recording, and we had a nonsensical thing that spat random letters rapid fire and then tried to escape, so we cut it off quickly. DAAN and BEN were powerful and left a very different impression than this next one did, in a negative way. What follows is our fourth and final session of the evening.
For a Ouija board we used a custom-drawn board on the grid-back of a Dungeons and Dragons battlemat in black dry erase. For a planchette, we used a large magnifying device with a lip for fingers to go in for each of the four involved and a dot in the middle to project a shadow on the proper spot beneath. The ritual was done in total darkness except for four candles, and parsley, a salt circle, and multiple crystals were utilized for safety/potency. It should be noted that all participants mentioned not feeling like they were leading the planchette for even an entire word at a time, and the planchette used was heavy and took a lot of friction and actually dragged the board several times when used, it was not as slick as commercial ones by far. The whole thing was being overseen by J, a powerful witch.
Not included in transcript, since no video was taken, is the inexplicable speed with which this particular spirit, especially by comparison, went through letters in certain phrases, and how slowly she did in others, often for emphasis or for a joke, and the fact that she would pause to flourish at times and to do spins off of the letters or loop back around to find a correct letter, in fluid motions all four participants did in perfect synchronization with zero point to it beyond the influence of the spirit. If ever a Ouija board was being used for a real conversation with something beyond, it was this.
Time elapsed of transcript: one hour and eight minutes.]
C: [To paraphrase, the part of this sentence missing was “To any beings or entities here right now, present with us, we offer you to speak with us. We come to you as friends, and as believers, and as allies, not to hurt or trap you, but to understand you and converse with you, please join us and speak to us...] ...we humbly ask this of you. Are there any beings present who wish to speak?
C: “YES” [YES and NO are separate spots on the board for answers. Things in quotes are just C, the speaker, saying aloud for the documenter, V, and for J’s recorder, what’s happening on the board. R, B, K and J are the ones moving the planchette this round.]
C: Hello, welcome and thank you for talking with us. Will you give us your name please?
C: “V-I-R-A-V-E-R-A-V-E” [spelled out letters are shown with dashes in between]
V: VIRAVE, or Ve-Rave?
C: “R-A-V-E.” [last part repeated] Is it trying to say RAVE?
V: It is, Vira--Vi, and then Rave twice--
B: So, Vira, with an I, Vera with an E, and then V--?
V: VIRAVE RAVE?
C: Is your name Vera? “YES--”
B: VeRave Rave! Haha
C: Welcome Vira. We are honored and glad to speak with you. Are you alive? “NO.” Were you once alive? “YES.” Were you a human? “NO.” Were you an animal? “NO.” Interesting, thank you for talking with us. Would you be able to spell out for us what you were? “Y-E-V-A… ‘NO.’”
V: Hmm, no? Did it say no?
K: Yeah, it said no at the end.
V: YEVA, and at the end, no. No.
B: Yeah, ya never NO! S-sorry.
C: Were you from the physical plane? “NO.” Were you from an astral plane? “YES.” Thank you, it is very nice to talk with you. Is there anything you’d like to tell us about yourself? “NO.” Is there anything you would like to say to us, please? We are very interested to learn from you, we are your friends. Is there anything you would like to say? “YES.” Would you spell it out for us please? “G-A-Y.”
[group laughter]
K: Well, it ain’t wrong.
C: Are you gay?
K: Wait, does it mean--gay as in gay, or gay as in happy?
C: “YES.” Do you mean gay to mean happy? “YES.”
K: Great.
C: Do you mean gay to mean homosexual or bisexual? “YES.”
[group laughter]
B: [unintelligible while laughing]
C: We are also both the same things. What else would you like to tell us? Please continue, we are enjoying this conversation, we are very happy to speak with you. “S-A-F-E-V-E-R-D.” Um, were you trying to spell safeword? “YES.”
[group laughter]
C: Okay. Um, what is your safeword, Vira? “MOON [the symbol on board]” Does that mean you don’t want to tell us? “YES.”
K: That’s fair. That’s fair to me!
C: That’s fair. Does anyone else have any questions for Vira?
B: Can she tell us what she is? [unintelligible]
C: Can you tell us what you are right now? “YES.” Will you please tell us? “F-A-E… ‘QUESTION MARK.’” [in the future, the question mark tile will be marked as just “?” to keep from spelling it out each time, though it was spoken aloud] We understand, are you saying you are a fairy now? Since you said you were alive and you now were not, does that mean you are the spirit of a gay fairy?
[brief laughter]
C: “YES.” Okay! Were you a boy? “NO.” Were you a girl? “?” Were you non-binary? “YES.”
K: I love this fairy.
C: Vira is excellent.
C: Did you like boys? “?”
K: I don’t think it can process that, what it means--
V: Yeah.
K: We’re uh, we’re pushing the board by the way… [physically sliding the mat entirely]
B: Sorry.
C: What else would you like to tell us? We are enjoying our conversation. “W-A-T-”
V/K: That’s an I.
C: Oh, “I,” sorry-- “...T.”
K: W-wait.
C: Wait? Okay, we will wait. When you are ready, just guide us.
[pause]
C: “YES.” You are ready? “YES.” Wonderful! Please continue. “F-G” … I’m afraid we don’t quite understand.
K: Go back to--a neutral position.
C: Could you repeat that please? “YES.” Okay! Please do. “B-E-A-L-E-S-B-I…”
K: Oh no, is it--
[laughter]
K: BE A LESBIAN!?
C: “...A...N.”
K: BE A LESBIAN!!!
*group laughter, J laughed so hard she got her hair in a candle and didn’t notice and it caught on fire and smelled like burnt hair for ten minutes*
C: Are you encouraging us to be a lesbian? “YES.”
*uproarious laughter*
C: I’m not sure I, I…
K: She hasn’t even HEARD of men.
C: I’m not a girl, can I be a lesbian too? “?”
[laughter]
C: Are YOU a lesbian? “YES.” We are very much enjoying talking with you Vira, thank you. Is there anything you would like to know from us? “YES.” Certainly! We will be happy to answer your questions. You may proceed whenever you are ready, please. “B-O-Y.”
[laughter]
C: Do you want to know what a BOY is? “YES.”
[laughter]
C: In our world, humans have what are called genders, that means some people are boys, some people are girls--
B: Some people are--
C: Some people are neither, those are what you called nonbinary. Is that [gender, not non-binary] a concept in your world? “NO.”
B: I agree, it’s--it’s a weird concept.
C: In our world, we say girls who like girls are lesbian. Is that what you mean you say lesbian? “SUN.”
K: That’s how it works in our world, too!
C: Is that a yes? -- “YES.”
K: She’s very forthright.
C: I must say, you are our favorite being we have contacted this evening. We are very much enjoying speaking with you. Is there anything else you would like to know from us? “YES.” Gladly! Please let us know, what you would like to know from us? “M-U-A-G.” [board recently shifted, so the planchette isn’t lining up with the letters right, hence the drop in accuracy for a moment--we address this later]
B: Wha?
V: M-U-A-G. I dunno.
C: I’m sorry, we didn’t quite understand that. Would you please repeat that for us? “M-E-S… … ...” “SUN”
K: Did it mean mess? It kind of hung out on S, for a bit.
C: Did you mean me, or mess? Was it me? “NO.” Was it mess? “YES.” What would you like to know from us, about mess…? “A-G-E.” Are you calling us a mess and saying you want to know what age we are…? …”NO.”
V: Message.
K: Message!
C: Are you asking to give a message? “YES.” That makes sense, it was split up into two things--
K: Almost like--two words…
C: Certainly. We’re not sure if you want to give us a message, or for us to give you a message. Did you want to give us a message? “YES.”
B: Ask her if… she... wants us to give her a message, as well.
C: And did you want us to also give you a message? “NO.” Okay. Would you like to give us your message now? We would happy to receive it, please. “L-O-V-E.”
B: Aww
V: Aww!
K: Awwww
C: Are you saying that you love us? “NO.”
[laughter]
C: Is your message that love is good? “?” We understand that you said love, could you explain further what means, please? “N-E-V-E-R.”
[laughter]
K: Is she saying that--we should never fall in love?
C: Are you saying that we should never fall in love? “?” Are you saying… that you’ll never be able to tell us what you mean? “NO.” Are you saying you have never been in love? “YES.”
B: Aww.
C: Aww, I’m sorry. Are there any other… fairy ghosts that you can fall in love with, where you are? “NO.”
J/B: Aww.
C: That’s so sad. Uh… is there anything we can do to help you? “NO.” Aww. Does that make you sad, that you will never love? “YES.” Is it hard being a lesbian fairy? “YES.”
K: It’s hard being a human one too!
C: I am very sorry.
K: Is it stigmatized to be a lesbian in fairy culture? I don’t know anything about that…
C: Is it stigmatized to be a lesbian in fairy culture? Is that considered a bad thing? “?”
B: Do you think they know that concept?
J: Yeah, they may not.
B: [unintelligible] morality and… [unintelligible]
C: Do people say being a lesbian is bad there? “NO.”
J: That’s good.
K: Yeah.
C: That’s good.
A: [unintelligible] the spirit of a fairy? Like a nomad?
C: Is there anything else you would like to tell us? “YES.” Wonderful, we are still enjoying talking to you very much. What else would like to tell us, Vira? “V-A-G-” “Q, sorry, Q--” “A-H-W-K-C-NO.” Would you like to start over? “YES.” That’s okay, go ahead. “?” Would you please tell us again what you wanted to say to us? “R-E-M-U-M-E-S-D-E-R-F-W-” what does that spell?
V: REMUMESDERFW. Nothing recognizable?
J: [unintelligible]
K: [unintelligible] a word we don’t know, or a name in a language we can’t--yeah. … Tell her we’re confused.
C: I’m confused, sorry. Is--does that mean something in your language?
B: [unintelligible]
C: “N.” … Could you be more specific? We can’t tell which letters are wrong. “I.” “G.” What was that--that last one?
V: I. REMUMESDERFW and then the N-I-G.
C: Are you--”H-A-H-A.”
[laughter]
V: Ha ha!
[unintelligible]
C: Uh… did she call us a racial slur and then laugh at us!?
[laughter]
K: Is she laughing at us? Or just fucking with us?
C: Um…
K: Were you just playing a trick?
V: “YES.” Hahaha!
C: Is there really anything else you’d really like to say to us? “YES.” We would still be very happy to hear it, would you please continue? “S-T-R-O-G-N-”
B: Is that… strong, spelled incorrectly?
C: Were you trying to say the word, strong? “YES.” Are you saying that you are strong? “?” Are we strong? “YES.” Aww, well thank you. Do you mean physically? “NO.”
K: Haha! That’s fair.
C: Do you mean mentally? “NO.”
K: That’s ALSO fair.
C: Do you mean spiritually? “YES.” Well, thank you. … Is there anything we can do to help you? “?” Is there anything you’d like us to do for you? “NO.”
K: She just be chillin.
C: Okay. Are you just relaxing? “YES.”
V: She’s on OMEGLE.
[laughter]
C: Are you sad that you died? “NO.”
B: Are you sad you’re alone?
C: Are you sad you are alone? “YES.”
K: Aww. Poor…
C: Do you understand what it means to die? “?” Do you know what die means? “NO.” Do you know what dead means? “NO.” Okay, I think probably alive and dead doesn’t apply.
K: Y-yeah.
C: Do you know what a--do you know what a ghost is? “YES.”
K: [unintelligible]
C: Is a ghost a spirit, like a fairy? “YES.”
K: Ah, okay.
C: So it doesn’t know the difference between life and death, just--a spirit. She said she’s like--like a ghost. Okay.
[unintelligible]
C: Why are you alone? Will you tell us? “B-F-U-M-T-H-N-U-G.” BF the nug!?
*laughter, unintelligible*
C: I’m sorry, we didn’t--quite understand that. Could you please tell us why you are alone? “B-E-S-T-F-A-R-A-Y.” Are you saying you’re alone because you’re the best fairy?
[laughter]
C: “YES.”
[laughter]
C: So nobody else is good enough for your love? [unintelligible] Are you saying nobody else is good enough for your love because you are the best? “?” Will you never love because you are the best? “NO.”
B: Is that a--yes no, or a no no?
C: I’m sorry, I don’t think I said that very well.
B: Will you ever love, perhaps?
C: Will you ever find love? “?” Maybe time there isn’t--the same--
K: Or she doesn’t know, to be fair.
B: True.
C: Fair. Are you saying you don’t know? “YES.” Are you alone right now because you are the best? “YES.”
K: Is she talking about us [unintelligible]
C: Are you waiting for someone that’s good enough for you? “YES.” I can respect that.
B: Is that what she meant by waiting earlier?
C: Did you mean you are waiting to find the right person? “YES.” That makes sense, we understand.
B: [unintelligible, something about the fact we keep moving the board a lot and maybe throwing her off and need to adjust]
C: Please wait a moment while we fix the board, we are sorry.
B?: [scoot] back...
K: You’re [unintelligible] like a whole foot, from where you were…
C: “?” Don’t worry about it.
[laughter]
C: It’s not important. What else would you like to tell us? “A-Q-E-Z-G-S.”
V: A-Q-E-Z-G-S. Aqezgs? That’s…
K: Is it… like, a name?
C: We moved the letters, can you tell where they are now? … …. … “YES.” Did we move them when you were trying to speak before? [NOTE: we kept shifting the board by accident, notably before each time we got nonsense and had to have it repeated, save for the one time it admitted it was just fucking with us.] “YES.” I’m sorry. Could you tell us again, now? “YES.” Thank you. Go ahead, please tell us what else you’d like us to know. “F-L-Y.” Fly.
V: Fly.
C: Are you saying that you can fly? “YES.” Did you know that we cannot fly? “NO.” Can we learn how to fly? “?” Can you tell us how to fly? ... E-...wait. ... Can you tell us how to fly? “YES.” Interesting, we would love to know. Please tell us, we are listening. “R-E-A-C-F-H-E-P-E-P-E-P.” … “U-P.” What does that spell?
V: Ask--Ask her if she’s trying to say reach up.
C: Are you trying to say reach up? “YES.” Did you repeat the letters to say you need to keep doing it over and over again? “YES.” Sadly, we can’t fly like that. “?” Do you have wings to let you fly? “YES.” We do not have wings. “?”
*group laughter*
C: We just don’t.
B: Uh, can we move the board back again?
C: Yes…
K: [some number] of feet...
C: We moved the board again. Are you adjusted? “YES.” Thank you. We are still enjoying talking to you, what else would you like to tell us? “W-H-Y-N-O-W-I-N-G-S.” [interspersed laughter with last couple letters as it unfolds] What does that mean? Why Now, In G’s?
V/B: WHY NO WINGS!
[extended laughter, clunk as A falls out of chair laughing so hard]
K: [A]!
[unintelligible, something about him falling out of chair]
[unintelligible overlapping conversation]
C: We just don’t have wings. “?” Ah. We do not have wings. There’s nothing there where wings should be. All of us. “?”
B: There’s shoulderblades, they’re bones, just no wings, we just got--
C: We are called humans. We can do a lot of things, but we do not have wings and we cannot fly. “S-A-D.”
[laughter]
C: That is very sad, you’re right. We are very sad about that too.
K: Do we have anything more to [unintelligible]?
C: Where is the place you live? “W-A-K-E-N-V-A.” Is the place you live called Wakenvia? [wuh-kin-vee-uh]
K: Is that, Wake Avenue…?
C: Was it Wake Avenue? “NO.” So we were right the first time. “YES.” Interesting, thank you. Is there any way for us to go there? “?” Can we get there without wings? “?”
K: I… don’t think she knows. Can she tell us where it is?
C: Can you tell us where it is? Quest--oh, “NO.”
K: Must be a secret.
C: Is it a secret? “YES.” Why are you talking to us? We are happy that you are, but we would like to know why. Will you tell us? “G-A-Y.”
[group laughter, extended]
C: Are you talking to us because we’re gay? “YES.” And also because we’re gay? “YES.”
K: What’s her endgame, here!?
C: What would you like from us?
[unintelligible]
C: Oh, sorry, we moved the board again. Have you adjusted? “YES.” Good, what do you want from us? Would you please tell us? “P-L-A-Y.” To play. Is this fun playing? “YES.” I’m glad, we’re having a lot of fun too. Are you more gay than we are? “NO.”
[laughter]
C: Are you exactly as gay as we are? “YES.”
[laughter]
C: That’s good to hear, Vira, thank you.
B: Ask her if--if she thinks any of us are hot.
C: Do you think any of us are hot? “?”
B: Cute…?
C: Do you think any of us are attractive?
[laughter]
C: “YES.” Is it [B]? [planchette moves to YES, wasn’t spoken aloud this time]
[laughter]
C: Is it any of the rest of us? “YES.” Is it all of us? “?” Are we all attractive? … ”YES.” Aww, that’s very sweet of you. We’re sure you’re very attractive too. Is there anything we can answer for you? “NO.”
[unintelligible, laughter, something about board moving]
K: We are SO FAR from our original position--
C: I’m sorry, please wait one moment.
K: We need to back up---[R], you’re like a whole foot from where you--
C: It [unintelligible] happens--
K: We’re [unintelligible] laughing--
C: Sorry, we adjusted the board. Are you still there? “YES.” Have you adjusted? “YES.” Good. What else can we tell you? “NO.”
[laughter]
C: Is there anything else you’d like to tell us? “YES.” Great! Go ahead, we are listening. “F-A-K-E.”
B: Heh, fake.
C: Fake. Are you saying that you’re fake? “NO.” Are you saying that we’re fake? “NO.” ...
B: Ask if there’s anything else she wants to add onto that?
C: Is there anything else you’d like to add to fake? “YES.” Okay, keep going! “N-E-W-S...”
K: Oh god.
[uproarious laughter]
V: No way.
C: Are you… memeing us!? [unintelligible, planchette moves to “YES.”]
K: She understands the concept of MEMES but not MEN!? I don’t understand--
C: Did-did you know our memes? “?” Do you know our joke? “YES.”
B: Do you know who Donald Trump is…?
C: Do you know who Donald Trump is? “?”
A: Do NOT. Oh god.
C: That’s a--a good thing, that’s a good thing. Where did you hear fake news? “W-C-I-A-V.” [NOTE: after further research, WCIV is a local news channel in Charleston, SC. If she’d ever spoken to someone there, they might have taught her about fake news from it as a joke and she’s trying to repeat it]
V: W-C-I-A-V.
B: Is that perhaps the name of someone?
A: Maybe, a network?
C: Is that--a television network? “NO.” Is that a radio network? “?” Is that a news source? “YES.” Is that a human news source? “NO.” Is that a fairy news source? “?” Is that where you get your news? “YES.” Is it fake news? “YES.” Is fake news a joke there too? “NO.” How did you know to use that joke with us? “?” Why did you say fake news? … … … “F-U-C-”
A: Are you guys gonna need more paper?
C: “-V-” oh, K-- “A-”
V: [replying to A] yes, [unintelligible]
C: … F-U-C-K-A… “G-H-N-O.” [total phrase, without interruptions, was F-U-C-K-A-G-H-N-O]
K: Fuck no?
C: Fuck--AGH!--No!
A: [laughter]
C: What’s wrong? Can you tell us what is wrong? “NO.” Did you break a rule? “?”
B: They might not have those in fairy [unintelligible]
C: What made you say, fuck? “W-H-Y” “?” Why are we asking? We’re… trying to figure out how you know about fake news.
B: Move your leg.
C: Sorry--
B: Move--move your leg back.
C: Can you tell us… about fake news? “A-L-I-E.” “NO.” A lie?
K: A lie, no.
C: What does--that mean?
K: I think she’s like--is like--everything’s fake. Haha. Just--all of it.
C: Are you saying everything is fake? “?” What is a lie? “N-E-” er, “N-U-T-R-” “?” “I-A-F-D.”
V: N-U-T-R-?-I-A-F-D.
B: ...we need to recalibrate?
C: Can you see where the letters are? “YES.” Can you repeat that? “N-O-[unintelligible letter]”
K: Oh wait--that’s a T.
C: “-T-E-A-S-A-J-O-K-E.” Not a joke? [N-O-T-E-A-S-A-J-O-K-E]
K: I think she said, notice a joke? Haha
C: Oh, notice a joke? Is that what it spells?
V: Kind of? If you--if you spell notice wrong.
B: No tease--?
K: Yeah if you spelled it like N-O-T-I-S--a joke.
C: Are you asking if we notice the joke? “YES.”
[laughter]
C: Is fake news the joke? “YES.”
[laughter]
C: Yes, we notice the joke.
B: We thought it was pretty funny.
C: It’s very funny. Where did--where did you get the joke? [“NO.”--not spoken aloud, hit very fast and weren’t sure what it meant without the T] “T- … … … A-D-...V-A-R-A.” Not Vira! Are you saying you didn’t make up this joke? “YES.” Is that a joke you heard from another group like us talking to you?” “YES.”
[laughter]
C: Did you use it because they laughed and thought it was funny, and you wanted to be funny with us? “YES.”
K: We have moved the board, so hard, again--
C: Do you mind if we move the board? “NO.” Thank you, one moment please--
K: [unintelligible] the candles--
C: [unintelligible] the planchette--
B: I am SO SALTY!
K: [unintelligible] don’t break it, guys--
C: Are you still here? … “YES.” Do you want to hear another joke? “YES.”
B: A man walked into a bar. He says--”OUCH.”
C: “NO.”
[laughter]
B: Um… a good steak pun... is a rare medium well done.
C: “NO.”
[unintelligible]
V: Think of a good shorter joke than that.
…
C: Let us think of a joke.
B: What do you call somebody with no body, and no nose? … … … … no-body knows.
C: “H-A-H-A.”
[laughter]
C: “F-U-K-A-F-U-A-J.” Fukafuaj? (pronounced, fuck-uh-fwahdge)
[laughter]
C: Is that a fairy joke? “YES.” I like it. It’s very funny, thank you.
B: [laughter]
C: “G-O-” … ... do you want us to go? “-D”
K: I think it’s G-O-O-D [we didn’t go to a neutral position after the O and it lingered there]. Good.
C: Are you saying good? Is that-- [unspoken, but went to “YES.”]
[laughter]
C: You are the best, Vira. We agree.
…
K: Ask her how old she is--
C: How old are you? “5-3-7-1-2.”
K: That’s old as shit.
C: Five thousand three hundred and two years old? “YES.” [I’m aware now that’s not what was said, but I think Vira understood the concept and that I just clearly flubbed up translating them to spoken form specifically. Our notes had the correct number in both places for instance.] That’s very old. … I’m sorry, it’s not a bad thing, it’s impressive. “YES.” Is that old for a fairy? “NO.”
B: You’re pretty impressive, regardless.
C: “YES.” Thank you. Anyone else have anything to add?
B: Ehhh--
K: What does she do? Like what’s she--
C: What do you do? “F-I-A-N--”
V: Fian?
C: “--D-G-F.”
A: Does she mean, “fiand a girlfriend!?”
C: Find a GF? “YES.” Are you trying to find a girlfriend!? “YES.”
B: Yes. That’s valid, babe!
[laughter]
C: Can we help you? “?”
K: Would you like [B] to be your GF?
C: Do you want [B] to be your girlfriend? “M-A-...Y-B-E.”
[laughter]
K: MAYBE!
B: No, I mean, I’m not SUPER opposed to that--
K: Do you date humans?
C: Do you date humans? “?”
V: I don’t know if she knows what--”DATE” means…
B: Could a human be your girlfriend?
C: “YES.” H-how would that work? “T-” oh, “I,” sorry-- “-D-K.”
V: IDK!
*group laughter*
C: I think you might prefer a fairy girlfriend. [B] can’t fly.
B: That’s true. I can’t.
C: …”YES.” No, [B] doesn’t have any wings. “S-H-I-T.”
*uproarious laughter*
C: Did that ruin your plan!? “YES.”
B: Ohhh, I’m sorry Veer!
C: Can we still be friends? “YES.”
K: Oh my gooood.
C: That’s very nice of you.
B: I’ll take that.
[unintelligible]
C: What else would you like to say to us? “Y-O-U-A-R-E-” What are we? “T-A-N.” We are tan? “YES.”
[laughter]
B: Are you very pale?
[planchette veeeeery slowly and with much friction moves to “YES.”]
K: I love the reluctance of that “yes.”
[laughter]
C: Do you like that we are tan? … “Y-E.”
K: Yee.
C: Yee!?
[laughter]
C: Are you memeing us again? “Y-E.”
[deeper laughter]
A: [wheezing] OH! MY! GOOOOD!
K: [C’s dead mentor]’s asleep and missing this, [unintelligible]
V: Yeah, because we have a recording!
A: I… do not know… how to process… what is going on!
C: Do you want to hear another meme?
V: [to A] Welcome to the occult.
C: “?”
B: Do you want to hear another joke?
C: “YES.” … What do you call a short psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large. “?”
J: A medium is one who talks to spirits.
C: “O-H.”
[laughter]
C: I’m sorry, here’s a better one. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? EL-E-FI-NO! “L-O-L-5.”
V: [unintelligible] my pencil went out. Oh, I got it--
C: Are you saying you give that a five out of five? “NO.”
B: Are you saying you give that a five out of TEN?
C: “YES.”
[laughter]
[unintelligible]
…
K: Hmm…
C: Let me think of another good joke.
B: Umm....
V: Tell her a meme! She wants memes!
B: She won’t get memes, out of context.
C: You wanna hear another joke?
V: She got fake news!
A: Even the context of a meme. Haha
V: Is the voice--
C: “NO.” [in response to hearing another joke]
[laughter]
B: Why not?
C: Why not? [planchette moves very fast] “B-A-D.”
[group laughter]
B: Was that last joke was pretty bad? [planchette moves to “YES.”] [laughs] I’m sorry.
C: “I-” “NO.” I know.
K: I know you’re sorry!
C: Here’s another joke for you. What happens when a lot of fairies run in a circle? They’re a Fairies Wheel! “?”
B: A uh, ferris wheel, is a popular carnival attraction in-in human world.
C: “O-H.”
K: We’re making too many jokes of stuff she-she doesn’t understand.
A: We are.
K: Um…
C: Here’s one.
[unintelligible, not a joke, mumbling]
K: You are so far away from where you [unintelligible] were sitting!
B: You gots to scooch.
K: Oh! Don’t sit on the candle.
B: We’re going to move the board, okay?
C: Have you adjusted? “YES.”
K: She should tell us a joke.
C: Tell us a joke. “H-E-” Heh? “Y-O-T-”
K: That’s an I.
B: [correcting her correction] ...J.
C: “J-” … Het O.J.? … “K-E-W-E” [H-E-Y-O-J-K-E-W-E] Hey, [oh] just kidding, ew? “A-B.”
B: ...did the fairy just call us a weeb!?
C: Did you just call us a weeb!? “?” [unintelligible] calling us a weaboo? “NO.” Hm, what’s another good joke--
B: Um--
V: Explain what a weeb is.
C: A weeb is someone who really likes cartoons from a certain part of our world.
B: But who does not come from that part of the world.
[unintelligible]
K: “B-O-R-”
K/B/C: “I-N-G.”
K: Boring. Ah. Wh-what does she--wanna know?
C: I’m trying to think of a good joke…
B: Can we ask her what her favorite food is?
C: What’s your favorite food? [unintelligible, something about the board being out of place] “H-O-N-E-Y.” Honey. I like honey too.
B: Honey’s pretty good, yeah.
C: It is.
B: Neutral? [we kept returning to a blank spot as a neutral position between phrases and such]
C: Yeah. Ah shoot, um… …
V: [unintelligible] that won’t take context.
B: Have you ever heard the phrase, hetty spaghetti?
[laughter]
K: I think--I think [R] has to ask it. [planchette goes to “?”] Oh no, never mind.
?: Question mark?
K: It means someone who only likes the opposite sex… and is in an idiot.
B: Not gay.
C: “?”
B: Big-ass mood.
[laughter]
C: Why did the chicken cross the road? … Because he was gay. “H-”
R/K/B: “-A-H-A.”
C: Was that finally a good joke? “YES.”
K: Does--that make sense? Cause, it doesn’t.
C: I think that’s the point. It’s a non-sequitur.
B: None of the chicken crossed the road jokes make any sense.
C: I mean, fake news is also hilarious [to Vira], so…
K: What do you want in a girlfriend?
C: “B-E-...S-T.” You want someone else who’s the best? “YES.”
B: That’s understandable. You deserve someone who… ...
C: ...that’s right. You DESERVE the best. “YES.”
[laughter]
C: Is there anything else you want to tell us? “NO.”
K: That’s okay, she [unintelligible], so--
C: What was the place she lives in…?
V: Ohhh god. Oh, I’ve gotta go through a lotta notes--starts with a W--I’m sorry, give me just a second--
...
[unintelligible]
B: Wakenvia?
C: Is it time for you to go back to Wakenvia? “YES.” Well we had a great time talking with you, did you have fun talking with us? “YES.” Thank you so much!
B: Thank you Vira! It was great talking with you!
J: Goodbye.
K: Thank you Vira.
C: Same here Vira, we had a very good time. … “G-A-Y.” Yes, we are all very gay. Are you ready to say goodbye? “YES.” Okay, goodbye.
ALL: Goodbye. [force planchette to the Goodbye spot]
[group laughter]
J: That was somethin’.
[unintelligible]
V: Sorry my notes are a little scattered, there were just like--seven pages of them. I had to write really fast, I--
J: Yeah.
A: If I hadn’t--
J: We also have the tape recorder, so.
A: If I hadn’t been RIGHT the fuck here-- I wouldn’t have-- I-I-I need some time…
[group laughter]
V: Are you alright, [A]? [unintelligible] so I can try to [unintelligible] these fuckin’ notes--
J: [unintelligible] on tape recorder.
C: Yeah, and can you send me the file--[recording cuts off]
This is a weird one. I was going back through my archives and dug out this weird gem from about 5ish years ago. I won't even begin to get into the insane occult drama regarding the group this involved--my magick mentor was in it, the dark magician who had tried to kill me in the astral plane years prior before we ever met and later killed my mentor was in it in disguise, my now-ex was in it, some witches I have no beef with but don't really talk to were, and a powerful witch who dated both my mentor and later his killer and now works for an alphabet agency was in it. That's leaving out some serious soap opera twists too. If that sounds like too much to believe, ask yourself how the fuck I feel as the one who lived it all. I typically try to stray away from leaning much into this period for content because I still get emotional about my mentor and the surrounding situation, but sometimes something extraordinary enough from then crops up that I have to feature it here in some context.
This transcript is one such extraordinary something. We decided, under the careful supervision of the powerful witch my mentor was dating, to do some spells and rituals and then attempt a Ouija board session with actual spirits. I had never read much into Ouija boards, not due to doubting spirits but due to a basic confusion about how they were supposedly an effective communication method, but I was on board to try. I'm glad now I did--I'm convinced there wasn't a "trick" to it, it actually fucking works. It was enough of a show that the skeptic of the group, who had up to that point denied the existence of everything supernatural/paranormal, visibly broke at the end panicking. I should also preface this by saying I do not recommend running out and doing this yourself. Everyone involved in the actual ritual were some level of trained magician/witch/etcetera and a very trained witch oversaw the proceedings and did several elaborate protection and binding rituals with various artifacts. Just because it works doesn't mean it's always going to go well. Thankfully, for us, it did. Also, I'm quite certain the spirit's name was "Vera" and not "Vira Verave" -- I think it was spamming "VERA" phonetically, since it seemed to use letters as such throughout, and that we misunderstood at the time, so that's why the title of this page is Vera instead but--whatever. Without further ado:
Transcript of Ouija Board Session
Sun, April 22nd, 2018 ~3AM
Leader (the one asking questions/saying board movements out loud after they’ve happened: C (for CYBEROCCULTISM–the webmaster)
Recorder (documenting on paper with notes as session progresses): V
Other planchette holders: J, B, K
Skeptic in a Chair Behind Scene: A
[Around 3 AM now as this particular session begins. The group (C, V, J, K, B, with A watching skeptically as a non-believer from a ways away), alternating roles, has done several sessions on the Ouija board. C’s mentor, very alive at the time, is passed out asleep on the couch drunk.
The first Ouija session, with K leading and C sitting out to record, was with a spirit named “DAAN” who said he was Belgian and died in 1826 in a war, after his wife died of sickness, and left three daughters behind. Next, with C leading, we got BEN, a supposedly human spirit who liked the word “HELLO” and then told us to “GO,” so we let him go. After that one, V was recording, and we had a nonsensical thing that spat random letters rapid fire and then tried to escape, so we cut it off quickly. DAAN and BEN were powerful and left a very different impression than this next one did, in a negative way. What follows is our fourth and final session of the evening.
For a Ouija board we used a custom-drawn board on the grid-back of a Dungeons and Dragons battlemat in black dry erase. For a planchette, we used a large magnifying device with a lip for fingers to go in for each of the four involved and a dot in the middle to project a shadow on the proper spot beneath. The ritual was done in total darkness except for four candles, and parsley, a salt circle, and multiple crystals were utilized for safety/potency. It should be noted that all participants mentioned not feeling like they were leading the planchette for even an entire word at a time, and the planchette used was heavy and took a lot of friction and actually dragged the board several times when used, it was not as slick as commercial ones by far. The whole thing was being overseen by J, a powerful witch.
Not included in transcript, since no video was taken, is the inexplicable speed with which this particular spirit, especially by comparison, went through letters in certain phrases, and how slowly she did in others, often for emphasis or for a joke, and the fact that she would pause to flourish at times and to do spins off of the letters or loop back around to find a correct letter, in fluid motions all four participants did in perfect synchronization with zero point to it beyond the influence of the spirit. If ever a Ouija board was being used for a real conversation with something beyond, it was this.
Time elapsed of transcript: one hour and eight minutes.]
C: [To paraphrase, the part of this sentence missing was “To any beings or entities here right now, present with us, we offer you to speak with us. We come to you as friends, and as believers, and as allies, not to hurt or trap you, but to understand you and converse with you, please join us and speak to us...] ...we humbly ask this of you. Are there any beings present who wish to speak?
C: “YES” [YES and NO are separate spots on the board for answers. Things in quotes are just C, the speaker, saying aloud for the documenter, V, and for J’s recorder, what’s happening on the board. R, B, K and J are the ones moving the planchette this round.]
C: Hello, welcome and thank you for talking with us. Will you give us your name please?
C: “V-I-R-A-V-E-R-A-V-E” [spelled out letters are shown with dashes in between]
V: VIRAVE, or Ve-Rave?
C: “R-A-V-E.” [last part repeated] Is it trying to say RAVE?
V: It is, Vira--Vi, and then Rave twice--
B: So, Vira, with an I, Vera with an E, and then V--?
V: VIRAVE RAVE?
C: Is your name Vera? “YES--”
B: VeRave Rave! Haha
C: Welcome Vira. We are honored and glad to speak with you. Are you alive? “NO.” Were you once alive? “YES.” Were you a human? “NO.” Were you an animal? “NO.” Interesting, thank you for talking with us. Would you be able to spell out for us what you were? “Y-E-V-A… ‘NO.’”
V: Hmm, no? Did it say no?
K: Yeah, it said no at the end.
V: YEVA, and at the end, no. No.
B: Yeah, ya never NO! S-sorry.
C: Were you from the physical plane? “NO.” Were you from an astral plane? “YES.” Thank you, it is very nice to talk with you. Is there anything you’d like to tell us about yourself? “NO.” Is there anything you would like to say to us, please? We are very interested to learn from you, we are your friends. Is there anything you would like to say? “YES.” Would you spell it out for us please? “G-A-Y.”
[group laughter]
K: Well, it ain’t wrong.
C: Are you gay?
K: Wait, does it mean--gay as in gay, or gay as in happy?
C: “YES.” Do you mean gay to mean happy? “YES.”
K: Great.
C: Do you mean gay to mean homosexual or bisexual? “YES.”
[group laughter]
B: [unintelligible while laughing]
C: We are also both the same things. What else would you like to tell us? Please continue, we are enjoying this conversation, we are very happy to speak with you. “S-A-F-E-V-E-R-D.” Um, were you trying to spell safeword? “YES.”
[group laughter]
C: Okay. Um, what is your safeword, Vira? “MOON [the symbol on board]” Does that mean you don’t want to tell us? “YES.”
K: That’s fair. That’s fair to me!
C: That’s fair. Does anyone else have any questions for Vira?
B: Can she tell us what she is? [unintelligible]
C: Can you tell us what you are right now? “YES.” Will you please tell us? “F-A-E… ‘QUESTION MARK.’” [in the future, the question mark tile will be marked as just “?” to keep from spelling it out each time, though it was spoken aloud] We understand, are you saying you are a fairy now? Since you said you were alive and you now were not, does that mean you are the spirit of a gay fairy?
[brief laughter]
C: “YES.” Okay! Were you a boy? “NO.” Were you a girl? “?” Were you non-binary? “YES.”
K: I love this fairy.
C: Vira is excellent.
C: Did you like boys? “?”
K: I don’t think it can process that, what it means--
V: Yeah.
K: We’re uh, we’re pushing the board by the way… [physically sliding the mat entirely]
B: Sorry.
C: What else would you like to tell us? We are enjoying our conversation. “W-A-T-”
V/K: That’s an I.
C: Oh, “I,” sorry-- “...T.”
K: W-wait.
C: Wait? Okay, we will wait. When you are ready, just guide us.
[pause]
C: “YES.” You are ready? “YES.” Wonderful! Please continue. “F-G” … I’m afraid we don’t quite understand.
K: Go back to--a neutral position.
C: Could you repeat that please? “YES.” Okay! Please do. “B-E-A-L-E-S-B-I…”
K: Oh no, is it--
[laughter]
K: BE A LESBIAN!?
C: “...A...N.”
K: BE A LESBIAN!!!
*group laughter, J laughed so hard she got her hair in a candle and didn’t notice and it caught on fire and smelled like burnt hair for ten minutes*
C: Are you encouraging us to be a lesbian? “YES.”
*uproarious laughter*
C: I’m not sure I, I…
K: She hasn’t even HEARD of men.
C: I’m not a girl, can I be a lesbian too? “?”
[laughter]
C: Are YOU a lesbian? “YES.” We are very much enjoying talking with you Vira, thank you. Is there anything you would like to know from us? “YES.” Certainly! We will be happy to answer your questions. You may proceed whenever you are ready, please. “B-O-Y.”
[laughter]
C: Do you want to know what a BOY is? “YES.”
[laughter]
C: In our world, humans have what are called genders, that means some people are boys, some people are girls--
B: Some people are--
C: Some people are neither, those are what you called nonbinary. Is that [gender, not non-binary] a concept in your world? “NO.”
B: I agree, it’s--it’s a weird concept.
C: In our world, we say girls who like girls are lesbian. Is that what you mean you say lesbian? “SUN.”
K: That’s how it works in our world, too!
C: Is that a yes? -- “YES.”
K: She’s very forthright.
C: I must say, you are our favorite being we have contacted this evening. We are very much enjoying speaking with you. Is there anything else you would like to know from us? “YES.” Gladly! Please let us know, what you would like to know from us? “M-U-A-G.” [board recently shifted, so the planchette isn’t lining up with the letters right, hence the drop in accuracy for a moment--we address this later]
B: Wha?
V: M-U-A-G. I dunno.
C: I’m sorry, we didn’t quite understand that. Would you please repeat that for us? “M-E-S… … ...” “SUN”
K: Did it mean mess? It kind of hung out on S, for a bit.
C: Did you mean me, or mess? Was it me? “NO.” Was it mess? “YES.” What would you like to know from us, about mess…? “A-G-E.” Are you calling us a mess and saying you want to know what age we are…? …”NO.”
V: Message.
K: Message!
C: Are you asking to give a message? “YES.” That makes sense, it was split up into two things--
K: Almost like--two words…
C: Certainly. We’re not sure if you want to give us a message, or for us to give you a message. Did you want to give us a message? “YES.”
B: Ask her if… she... wants us to give her a message, as well.
C: And did you want us to also give you a message? “NO.” Okay. Would you like to give us your message now? We would happy to receive it, please. “L-O-V-E.”
B: Aww
V: Aww!
K: Awwww
C: Are you saying that you love us? “NO.”
[laughter]
C: Is your message that love is good? “?” We understand that you said love, could you explain further what means, please? “N-E-V-E-R.”
[laughter]
K: Is she saying that--we should never fall in love?
C: Are you saying that we should never fall in love? “?” Are you saying… that you’ll never be able to tell us what you mean? “NO.” Are you saying you have never been in love? “YES.”
B: Aww.
C: Aww, I’m sorry. Are there any other… fairy ghosts that you can fall in love with, where you are? “NO.”
J/B: Aww.
C: That’s so sad. Uh… is there anything we can do to help you? “NO.” Aww. Does that make you sad, that you will never love? “YES.” Is it hard being a lesbian fairy? “YES.”
K: It’s hard being a human one too!
C: I am very sorry.
K: Is it stigmatized to be a lesbian in fairy culture? I don’t know anything about that…
C: Is it stigmatized to be a lesbian in fairy culture? Is that considered a bad thing? “?”
B: Do you think they know that concept?
J: Yeah, they may not.
B: [unintelligible] morality and… [unintelligible]
C: Do people say being a lesbian is bad there? “NO.”
J: That’s good.
K: Yeah.
C: That’s good.
A: [unintelligible] the spirit of a fairy? Like a nomad?
C: Is there anything else you would like to tell us? “YES.” Wonderful, we are still enjoying talking to you very much. What else would like to tell us, Vira? “V-A-G-” “Q, sorry, Q--” “A-H-W-K-C-NO.” Would you like to start over? “YES.” That’s okay, go ahead. “?” Would you please tell us again what you wanted to say to us? “R-E-M-U-M-E-S-D-E-R-F-W-” what does that spell?
V: REMUMESDERFW. Nothing recognizable?
J: [unintelligible]
K: [unintelligible] a word we don’t know, or a name in a language we can’t--yeah. … Tell her we’re confused.
C: I’m confused, sorry. Is--does that mean something in your language?
B: [unintelligible]
C: “N.” … Could you be more specific? We can’t tell which letters are wrong. “I.” “G.” What was that--that last one?
V: I. REMUMESDERFW and then the N-I-G.
C: Are you--”H-A-H-A.”
[laughter]
V: Ha ha!
[unintelligible]
C: Uh… did she call us a racial slur and then laugh at us!?
[laughter]
K: Is she laughing at us? Or just fucking with us?
C: Um…
K: Were you just playing a trick?
V: “YES.” Hahaha!
C: Is there really anything else you’d really like to say to us? “YES.” We would still be very happy to hear it, would you please continue? “S-T-R-O-G-N-”
B: Is that… strong, spelled incorrectly?
C: Were you trying to say the word, strong? “YES.” Are you saying that you are strong? “?” Are we strong? “YES.” Aww, well thank you. Do you mean physically? “NO.”
K: Haha! That’s fair.
C: Do you mean mentally? “NO.”
K: That’s ALSO fair.
C: Do you mean spiritually? “YES.” Well, thank you. … Is there anything we can do to help you? “?” Is there anything you’d like us to do for you? “NO.”
K: She just be chillin.
C: Okay. Are you just relaxing? “YES.”
V: She’s on OMEGLE.
[laughter]
C: Are you sad that you died? “NO.”
B: Are you sad you’re alone?
C: Are you sad you are alone? “YES.”
K: Aww. Poor…
C: Do you understand what it means to die? “?” Do you know what die means? “NO.” Do you know what dead means? “NO.” Okay, I think probably alive and dead doesn’t apply.
K: Y-yeah.
C: Do you know what a--do you know what a ghost is? “YES.”
K: [unintelligible]
C: Is a ghost a spirit, like a fairy? “YES.”
K: Ah, okay.
C: So it doesn’t know the difference between life and death, just--a spirit. She said she’s like--like a ghost. Okay.
[unintelligible]
C: Why are you alone? Will you tell us? “B-F-U-M-T-H-N-U-G.” BF the nug!?
*laughter, unintelligible*
C: I’m sorry, we didn’t--quite understand that. Could you please tell us why you are alone? “B-E-S-T-F-A-R-A-Y.” Are you saying you’re alone because you’re the best fairy?
[laughter]
C: “YES.”
[laughter]
C: So nobody else is good enough for your love? [unintelligible] Are you saying nobody else is good enough for your love because you are the best? “?” Will you never love because you are the best? “NO.”
B: Is that a--yes no, or a no no?
C: I’m sorry, I don’t think I said that very well.
B: Will you ever love, perhaps?
C: Will you ever find love? “?” Maybe time there isn’t--the same--
K: Or she doesn’t know, to be fair.
B: True.
C: Fair. Are you saying you don’t know? “YES.” Are you alone right now because you are the best? “YES.”
K: Is she talking about us [unintelligible]
C: Are you waiting for someone that’s good enough for you? “YES.” I can respect that.
B: Is that what she meant by waiting earlier?
C: Did you mean you are waiting to find the right person? “YES.” That makes sense, we understand.
B: [unintelligible, something about the fact we keep moving the board a lot and maybe throwing her off and need to adjust]
C: Please wait a moment while we fix the board, we are sorry.
B?: [scoot] back...
K: You’re [unintelligible] like a whole foot, from where you were…
C: “?” Don’t worry about it.
[laughter]
C: It’s not important. What else would you like to tell us? “A-Q-E-Z-G-S.”
V: A-Q-E-Z-G-S. Aqezgs? That’s…
K: Is it… like, a name?
C: We moved the letters, can you tell where they are now? … …. … “YES.” Did we move them when you were trying to speak before? [NOTE: we kept shifting the board by accident, notably before each time we got nonsense and had to have it repeated, save for the one time it admitted it was just fucking with us.] “YES.” I’m sorry. Could you tell us again, now? “YES.” Thank you. Go ahead, please tell us what else you’d like us to know. “F-L-Y.” Fly.
V: Fly.
C: Are you saying that you can fly? “YES.” Did you know that we cannot fly? “NO.” Can we learn how to fly? “?” Can you tell us how to fly? ... E-...wait. ... Can you tell us how to fly? “YES.” Interesting, we would love to know. Please tell us, we are listening. “R-E-A-C-F-H-E-P-E-P-E-P.” … “U-P.” What does that spell?
V: Ask--Ask her if she’s trying to say reach up.
C: Are you trying to say reach up? “YES.” Did you repeat the letters to say you need to keep doing it over and over again? “YES.” Sadly, we can’t fly like that. “?” Do you have wings to let you fly? “YES.” We do not have wings. “?”
*group laughter*
C: We just don’t.
B: Uh, can we move the board back again?
C: Yes…
K: [some number] of feet...
C: We moved the board again. Are you adjusted? “YES.” Thank you. We are still enjoying talking to you, what else would you like to tell us? “W-H-Y-N-O-W-I-N-G-S.” [interspersed laughter with last couple letters as it unfolds] What does that mean? Why Now, In G’s?
V/B: WHY NO WINGS!
[extended laughter, clunk as A falls out of chair laughing so hard]
K: [A]!
[unintelligible, something about him falling out of chair]
[unintelligible overlapping conversation]
C: We just don’t have wings. “?” Ah. We do not have wings. There’s nothing there where wings should be. All of us. “?”
B: There’s shoulderblades, they’re bones, just no wings, we just got--
C: We are called humans. We can do a lot of things, but we do not have wings and we cannot fly. “S-A-D.”
[laughter]
C: That is very sad, you’re right. We are very sad about that too.
K: Do we have anything more to [unintelligible]?
C: Where is the place you live? “W-A-K-E-N-V-A.” Is the place you live called Wakenvia? [wuh-kin-vee-uh]
K: Is that, Wake Avenue…?
C: Was it Wake Avenue? “NO.” So we were right the first time. “YES.” Interesting, thank you. Is there any way for us to go there? “?” Can we get there without wings? “?”
K: I… don’t think she knows. Can she tell us where it is?
C: Can you tell us where it is? Quest--oh, “NO.”
K: Must be a secret.
C: Is it a secret? “YES.” Why are you talking to us? We are happy that you are, but we would like to know why. Will you tell us? “G-A-Y.”
[group laughter, extended]
C: Are you talking to us because we’re gay? “YES.” And also because we’re gay? “YES.”
K: What’s her endgame, here!?
C: What would you like from us?
[unintelligible]
C: Oh, sorry, we moved the board again. Have you adjusted? “YES.” Good, what do you want from us? Would you please tell us? “P-L-A-Y.” To play. Is this fun playing? “YES.” I’m glad, we’re having a lot of fun too. Are you more gay than we are? “NO.”
[laughter]
C: Are you exactly as gay as we are? “YES.”
[laughter]
C: That’s good to hear, Vira, thank you.
B: Ask her if--if she thinks any of us are hot.
C: Do you think any of us are hot? “?”
B: Cute…?
C: Do you think any of us are attractive?
[laughter]
C: “YES.” Is it [B]? [planchette moves to YES, wasn’t spoken aloud this time]
[laughter]
C: Is it any of the rest of us? “YES.” Is it all of us? “?” Are we all attractive? … ”YES.” Aww, that’s very sweet of you. We’re sure you’re very attractive too. Is there anything we can answer for you? “NO.”
[unintelligible, laughter, something about board moving]
K: We are SO FAR from our original position--
C: I’m sorry, please wait one moment.
K: We need to back up---[R], you’re like a whole foot from where you--
C: It [unintelligible] happens--
K: We’re [unintelligible] laughing--
C: Sorry, we adjusted the board. Are you still there? “YES.” Have you adjusted? “YES.” Good. What else can we tell you? “NO.”
[laughter]
C: Is there anything else you’d like to tell us? “YES.” Great! Go ahead, we are listening. “F-A-K-E.”
B: Heh, fake.
C: Fake. Are you saying that you’re fake? “NO.” Are you saying that we’re fake? “NO.” ...
B: Ask if there’s anything else she wants to add onto that?
C: Is there anything else you’d like to add to fake? “YES.” Okay, keep going! “N-E-W-S...”
K: Oh god.
[uproarious laughter]
V: No way.
C: Are you… memeing us!? [unintelligible, planchette moves to “YES.”]
K: She understands the concept of MEMES but not MEN!? I don’t understand--
C: Did-did you know our memes? “?” Do you know our joke? “YES.”
B: Do you know who Donald Trump is…?
C: Do you know who Donald Trump is? “?”
A: Do NOT. Oh god.
C: That’s a--a good thing, that’s a good thing. Where did you hear fake news? “W-C-I-A-V.” [NOTE: after further research, WCIV is a local news channel in Charleston, SC. If she’d ever spoken to someone there, they might have taught her about fake news from it as a joke and she’s trying to repeat it]
V: W-C-I-A-V.
B: Is that perhaps the name of someone?
A: Maybe, a network?
C: Is that--a television network? “NO.” Is that a radio network? “?” Is that a news source? “YES.” Is that a human news source? “NO.” Is that a fairy news source? “?” Is that where you get your news? “YES.” Is it fake news? “YES.” Is fake news a joke there too? “NO.” How did you know to use that joke with us? “?” Why did you say fake news? … … … “F-U-C-”
A: Are you guys gonna need more paper?
C: “-V-” oh, K-- “A-”
V: [replying to A] yes, [unintelligible]
C: … F-U-C-K-A… “G-H-N-O.” [total phrase, without interruptions, was F-U-C-K-A-G-H-N-O]
K: Fuck no?
C: Fuck--AGH!--No!
A: [laughter]
C: What’s wrong? Can you tell us what is wrong? “NO.” Did you break a rule? “?”
B: They might not have those in fairy [unintelligible]
C: What made you say, fuck? “W-H-Y” “?” Why are we asking? We’re… trying to figure out how you know about fake news.
B: Move your leg.
C: Sorry--
B: Move--move your leg back.
C: Can you tell us… about fake news? “A-L-I-E.” “NO.” A lie?
K: A lie, no.
C: What does--that mean?
K: I think she’s like--is like--everything’s fake. Haha. Just--all of it.
C: Are you saying everything is fake? “?” What is a lie? “N-E-” er, “N-U-T-R-” “?” “I-A-F-D.”
V: N-U-T-R-?-I-A-F-D.
B: ...we need to recalibrate?
C: Can you see where the letters are? “YES.” Can you repeat that? “N-O-[unintelligible letter]”
K: Oh wait--that’s a T.
C: “-T-E-A-S-A-J-O-K-E.” Not a joke? [N-O-T-E-A-S-A-J-O-K-E]
K: I think she said, notice a joke? Haha
C: Oh, notice a joke? Is that what it spells?
V: Kind of? If you--if you spell notice wrong.
B: No tease--?
K: Yeah if you spelled it like N-O-T-I-S--a joke.
C: Are you asking if we notice the joke? “YES.”
[laughter]
C: Is fake news the joke? “YES.”
[laughter]
C: Yes, we notice the joke.
B: We thought it was pretty funny.
C: It’s very funny. Where did--where did you get the joke? [“NO.”--not spoken aloud, hit very fast and weren’t sure what it meant without the T] “T- … … … A-D-...V-A-R-A.” Not Vira! Are you saying you didn’t make up this joke? “YES.” Is that a joke you heard from another group like us talking to you?” “YES.”
[laughter]
C: Did you use it because they laughed and thought it was funny, and you wanted to be funny with us? “YES.”
K: We have moved the board, so hard, again--
C: Do you mind if we move the board? “NO.” Thank you, one moment please--
K: [unintelligible] the candles--
C: [unintelligible] the planchette--
B: I am SO SALTY!
K: [unintelligible] don’t break it, guys--
C: Are you still here? … “YES.” Do you want to hear another joke? “YES.”
B: A man walked into a bar. He says--”OUCH.”
C: “NO.”
[laughter]
B: Um… a good steak pun... is a rare medium well done.
C: “NO.”
[unintelligible]
V: Think of a good shorter joke than that.
…
C: Let us think of a joke.
B: What do you call somebody with no body, and no nose? … … … … no-body knows.
C: “H-A-H-A.”
[laughter]
C: “F-U-K-A-F-U-A-J.” Fukafuaj? (pronounced, fuck-uh-fwahdge)
[laughter]
C: Is that a fairy joke? “YES.” I like it. It’s very funny, thank you.
B: [laughter]
C: “G-O-” … ... do you want us to go? “-D”
K: I think it’s G-O-O-D [we didn’t go to a neutral position after the O and it lingered there]. Good.
C: Are you saying good? Is that-- [unspoken, but went to “YES.”]
[laughter]
C: You are the best, Vira. We agree.
…
K: Ask her how old she is--
C: How old are you? “5-3-7-1-2.”
K: That’s old as shit.
C: Five thousand three hundred and two years old? “YES.” [I’m aware now that’s not what was said, but I think Vira understood the concept and that I just clearly flubbed up translating them to spoken form specifically. Our notes had the correct number in both places for instance.] That’s very old. … I’m sorry, it’s not a bad thing, it’s impressive. “YES.” Is that old for a fairy? “NO.”
B: You’re pretty impressive, regardless.
C: “YES.” Thank you. Anyone else have anything to add?
B: Ehhh--
K: What does she do? Like what’s she--
C: What do you do? “F-I-A-N--”
V: Fian?
C: “--D-G-F.”
A: Does she mean, “fiand a girlfriend!?”
C: Find a GF? “YES.” Are you trying to find a girlfriend!? “YES.”
B: Yes. That’s valid, babe!
[laughter]
C: Can we help you? “?”
K: Would you like [B] to be your GF?
C: Do you want [B] to be your girlfriend? “M-A-...Y-B-E.”
[laughter]
K: MAYBE!
B: No, I mean, I’m not SUPER opposed to that--
K: Do you date humans?
C: Do you date humans? “?”
V: I don’t know if she knows what--”DATE” means…
B: Could a human be your girlfriend?
C: “YES.” H-how would that work? “T-” oh, “I,” sorry-- “-D-K.”
V: IDK!
*group laughter*
C: I think you might prefer a fairy girlfriend. [B] can’t fly.
B: That’s true. I can’t.
C: …”YES.” No, [B] doesn’t have any wings. “S-H-I-T.”
*uproarious laughter*
C: Did that ruin your plan!? “YES.”
B: Ohhh, I’m sorry Veer!
C: Can we still be friends? “YES.”
K: Oh my gooood.
C: That’s very nice of you.
B: I’ll take that.
[unintelligible]
C: What else would you like to say to us? “Y-O-U-A-R-E-” What are we? “T-A-N.” We are tan? “YES.”
[laughter]
B: Are you very pale?
[planchette veeeeery slowly and with much friction moves to “YES.”]
K: I love the reluctance of that “yes.”
[laughter]
C: Do you like that we are tan? … “Y-E.”
K: Yee.
C: Yee!?
[laughter]
C: Are you memeing us again? “Y-E.”
[deeper laughter]
A: [wheezing] OH! MY! GOOOOD!
K: [C’s dead mentor]’s asleep and missing this, [unintelligible]
V: Yeah, because we have a recording!
A: I… do not know… how to process… what is going on!
C: Do you want to hear another meme?
V: [to A] Welcome to the occult.
C: “?”
B: Do you want to hear another joke?
C: “YES.” … What do you call a short psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large. “?”
J: A medium is one who talks to spirits.
C: “O-H.”
[laughter]
C: I’m sorry, here’s a better one. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? EL-E-FI-NO! “L-O-L-5.”
V: [unintelligible] my pencil went out. Oh, I got it--
C: Are you saying you give that a five out of five? “NO.”
B: Are you saying you give that a five out of TEN?
C: “YES.”
[laughter]
[unintelligible]
…
K: Hmm…
C: Let me think of another good joke.
B: Umm....
V: Tell her a meme! She wants memes!
B: She won’t get memes, out of context.
C: You wanna hear another joke?
V: She got fake news!
A: Even the context of a meme. Haha
V: Is the voice--
C: “NO.” [in response to hearing another joke]
[laughter]
B: Why not?
C: Why not? [planchette moves very fast] “B-A-D.”
[group laughter]
B: Was that last joke was pretty bad? [planchette moves to “YES.”] [laughs] I’m sorry.
C: “I-” “NO.” I know.
K: I know you’re sorry!
C: Here’s another joke for you. What happens when a lot of fairies run in a circle? They’re a Fairies Wheel! “?”
B: A uh, ferris wheel, is a popular carnival attraction in-in human world.
C: “O-H.”
K: We’re making too many jokes of stuff she-she doesn’t understand.
A: We are.
K: Um…
C: Here’s one.
[unintelligible, not a joke, mumbling]
K: You are so far away from where you [unintelligible] were sitting!
B: You gots to scooch.
K: Oh! Don’t sit on the candle.
B: We’re going to move the board, okay?
C: Have you adjusted? “YES.”
K: She should tell us a joke.
C: Tell us a joke. “H-E-” Heh? “Y-O-T-”
K: That’s an I.
B: [correcting her correction] ...J.
C: “J-” … Het O.J.? … “K-E-W-E” [H-E-Y-O-J-K-E-W-E] Hey, [oh] just kidding, ew? “A-B.”
B: ...did the fairy just call us a weeb!?
C: Did you just call us a weeb!? “?” [unintelligible] calling us a weaboo? “NO.” Hm, what’s another good joke--
B: Um--
V: Explain what a weeb is.
C: A weeb is someone who really likes cartoons from a certain part of our world.
B: But who does not come from that part of the world.
[unintelligible]
K: “B-O-R-”
K/B/C: “I-N-G.”
K: Boring. Ah. Wh-what does she--wanna know?
C: I’m trying to think of a good joke…
B: Can we ask her what her favorite food is?
C: What’s your favorite food? [unintelligible, something about the board being out of place] “H-O-N-E-Y.” Honey. I like honey too.
B: Honey’s pretty good, yeah.
C: It is.
B: Neutral? [we kept returning to a blank spot as a neutral position between phrases and such]
C: Yeah. Ah shoot, um… …
V: [unintelligible] that won’t take context.
B: Have you ever heard the phrase, hetty spaghetti?
[laughter]
K: I think--I think [R] has to ask it. [planchette goes to “?”] Oh no, never mind.
?: Question mark?
K: It means someone who only likes the opposite sex… and is in an idiot.
B: Not gay.
C: “?”
B: Big-ass mood.
[laughter]
C: Why did the chicken cross the road? … Because he was gay. “H-”
R/K/B: “-A-H-A.”
C: Was that finally a good joke? “YES.”
K: Does--that make sense? Cause, it doesn’t.
C: I think that’s the point. It’s a non-sequitur.
B: None of the chicken crossed the road jokes make any sense.
C: I mean, fake news is also hilarious [to Vira], so…
K: What do you want in a girlfriend?
C: “B-E-...S-T.” You want someone else who’s the best? “YES.”
B: That’s understandable. You deserve someone who… ...
C: ...that’s right. You DESERVE the best. “YES.”
[laughter]
C: Is there anything else you want to tell us? “NO.”
K: That’s okay, she [unintelligible], so--
C: What was the place she lives in…?
V: Ohhh god. Oh, I’ve gotta go through a lotta notes--starts with a W--I’m sorry, give me just a second--
...
[unintelligible]
B: Wakenvia?
C: Is it time for you to go back to Wakenvia? “YES.” Well we had a great time talking with you, did you have fun talking with us? “YES.” Thank you so much!
B: Thank you Vira! It was great talking with you!
J: Goodbye.
K: Thank you Vira.
C: Same here Vira, we had a very good time. … “G-A-Y.” Yes, we are all very gay. Are you ready to say goodbye? “YES.” Okay, goodbye.
ALL: Goodbye. [force planchette to the Goodbye spot]
[group laughter]
J: That was somethin’.
[unintelligible]
V: Sorry my notes are a little scattered, there were just like--seven pages of them. I had to write really fast, I--
J: Yeah.
A: If I hadn’t--
J: We also have the tape recorder, so.
A: If I hadn’t been RIGHT the fuck here-- I wouldn’t have-- I-I-I need some time…
[group laughter]
V: Are you alright, [A]? [unintelligible] so I can try to [unintelligible] these fuckin’ notes--
J: [unintelligible] on tape recorder.
C: Yeah, and can you send me the file--[recording cuts off]